Hello girls. I’m your local aunty Shamina. Today I’m here to give you some valuable advice on how to maintain a marriage. Believe me I have lots of experience on this as I’m always observing my nieces, neighbors and friends daughters and cousins and their relatives and I know how things work in marriages.
You see marriage is like fighting a battle. You have to fight everyday to maintain a marriage. You have to adjust to your husband’s needs, adjust with his family and his siblings, there’s no other way around it. Give up on your dreams if you have to, If it helps to keep your husband happy, then do it.
Your in-laws might put restrictions on you after marriage like not to go out with friends after a certain period of time, listen to them because friends are not important. They come and go but family and husband is here to stay. You do not want to get your in-laws upset. They might even tell you not to go to school or become a working woman. It’s better if your husband is financially stable so you can relax at home and take care of the family. It will show how committed you are.
Always remember these three things: Never disobey his parents because he will love you only if you love his parents. His siblings will always be above you. And only his family matters to him, you come last. If they’re happy with you then you stay. That’s why I say marriage is a battle and you have to prove yourself everyday.
You gain more by pretending than being real. I have seen women losing it all by trying to be real with their husbands. So, you have to keep acting to be happy even when you don’t feel the love, even when you’re being humiliated by his family for your cooking, for your looks or dress up. Remember, anyone from his family can pass a negative comment and start insulting you as they please but you’re expected to “practice patience.” Put a smile on your face even when your husband doesn’t take a stand for you.
Again, don’t make the mistake of opening up to your husband because he wouldn’t believe you. He cannot stand to hear anything negative against his family. He consider it the “duty” of his wife to take care of his parents, children and of course himself. So, telling him that it’s a lot for you will only show how incapable you are as a wife. Marriage means patience and you will be tested on a daily basis.
God forbid, if you ever decide to take things into your own hands and speak up for yourself, your husband and family will think that your parents did not teach you any manners about how to speak to elders. Your husband will think you misbehaved with his family and you don’t ever want that. That’s how crack forms in the marriage. And your parents taught you better than that.
Let’s say on some days, you’re having a headache or not feeling well. Try to cook at least one dish or else your mother-in-law might brainwash your husband into thinking that “your wife is lazy.” You don’t want him to think that you don’t like cooking for him. That’s a bad impression as a wife. I’m going to say this once and make sure you remember it. Kitchen is your power. If you can cook and clean, the house is yours and your husband will see you’re a good wife. Even when you can’t meet your parents as much as you’d like to, but you have to make sure that you take care of his parents and him.
No one will tell you this, but it doesn’t matter who you marry, all desi husbands are devoted to their families. So, don’t ever say anything negative about them. In fact, when needed you should manipulate your husband into believing that you really care for his family so therefore, when his mother try to brainwash him, he will not be impacted. Also, you’re going to notice when your husband starts to spend more time with you, his parents will become insecure. They’re going to feel that he may abandon them for you.
So, they might try to create problems between you and him by playing emotional games. They would disregard you, but pamper your husband. So you suffer alone and your husband never gets it. They might do little things to indirectly insult you, but don’t ever let it get to you. Always display how much you love his family because if you lose your husband’s support, it becomes easier for your in-laws to kick you out.
If that happens then what’s next? You get a divorce and he gets a new wife. They will do the same thing with the new wife as they did to you. But the strongest woman will survive. It is a tradition that when you get married, you have to live with your husband’s family and it cannot be changed. So, why not be strong and tolerate his family.
Many married women doesn’t know these tricks and that’s why they suffer. You can’t ever see your husband as a friend, always think of him as a winning prize that you’d get after defeating his parents. It’s a battle, so stay put and do everything you can. Many women end up giving up on their marriage and I see it as a big loss.
You can ask me, “auntie why would I do all these things?” you have to because that’s what your mother, grandmother and great grandmothers did for ages. We have to make sacrifices for the sake of marriage and our children. You are no different. Remember you can gain more by pretending than being real. By the time you will have two or three kids, you’ll be great at this and it won’t feel like you’re pretending at all. And your in-laws will eventually get old and tired of these emotional games so they would give up or at least that’s the hope.