It is often argued that divorce should not be considered as an option for women, as our previous generations managed to endure all hardships and never gave up on their marriages. However, this viewpoint is not new to me. Through my own personal experience, I have come to understand why many women in our Desi community opt to endure unhappy marriages rather than seeking a way out.
When confronted with a woman enduring hardship within a marital relationship, our initial thought is why she cannot simply end it. However, it is crucial to understand the complications that makes the process of leaving difficult. Among the primary obstacles faced by Desi women in dissatisfying marriages are the weight of social stigma and the preservation of family honor.
Social Stigma
In our society, when a woman decides to end her marriage, it is often perceived as a personal failure on her part. Instead of receiving support, she is subjected to criticism and defamation. Failed marriages are seen as a reflection of a woman’s character, leading to her being judged harshly by both men and women, including her own family. This negative perception results in significant changes in how people within her social circle interact with her, often leading to harassment through phone calls from relatives and encounters with judgmental people in public spaces. Ultimately, she is left to bear the burden of divorce alone.
In our society, divorce is often considered valid when there is visible physical abuse that results in physical harm. But it is crucial to acknowledge the impact of psychological abuse as well. This form of abuse can leave lasting wounds on a person’s mental health, damaging their self-esteem and confidence, and leading to mental depression. Just because these bruises are not visible to the naked eye does not mean they do not exist. The harm caused by psychological abuse is real and significant.
Within our desi community, women are often conditioned to endure abusive situations until they become unbearable. This is due to the prevailing social stigma surrounding divorce. Even women who are financially well-off or highly educated may choose to remain in toxic or abusive marriages out of fear of not being accepted by society. This highlights the powerful influence of social norms and the need for greater awareness and support for those facing such challenges.
Family Honor
The connection between social stigma and family honor is interrelated as parents are concerned about maintaining a positive image in society, leading them to exert pressure on their daughters to endure unhappy marriages and avoid divorce. Consequently, women find it extremely challenging to break free from such marriages.
Many families reject the idea of providing shelter to their daughters who decide to leave their husbands. I am aware of instances where parents have denied their daughters the opportunity to stay with them, even though they are aware of their unhappiness. This increases the isolation experienced by women who have been subjected to abuse, as they have no place to turn to for emotional support. Consequently, women find themselves questioning their own thoughts and opt to suffer in silence. The presence of social stigma and the importance placed on family honor are the primary factors that compel women to remain in marriages. Moreover, if children are involved, the stigma further contributes to the suffering experienced by the entire household.
Divorce carries such a profound sense of shame that it leads to a societal perception of divorced women as being of lower status. The dread of being labeled as a single woman outweighs the fear of enduring an abusive marriage.
The argument regarding the success of marriages among previous generations is flawed and lacks validity
The reason why we cannot compare our situation to that of our parents and grandparents is because they were compelled to remain in their marriages due to lack of options. They lacked access to education, financial autonomy, and overall freedom. The prevailing power dynamics and gender roles in society forced them to stay together, with their mothers instilling the belief that they should endure any challenges and adapt to whatever circumstances arise. Women, in particular, carry the weight of ensuring the success of the marriage, often enduring problems without the possibility of leaving.
Eventually, the marriage becomes full of resentment.. Consider the scenario where children are raised in such an environment, witnessing their parents in an affectionless and indifferent union, where the relationship crumbles internally. This psychological distress inflicted upon children is an unfair burden that they should never have to bear. Unfortunately, this pattern of mistreatment persists as children internalize and normalize the dysfunctional dynamics they observe in their parents’ relationship.
Therefore, Individuals who make derogatory remarks towards women are often unaware of the progress women have made in terms of resistance, growth, confidence, and independence. It is crucial to acknowledge that we are actively working towards breaking the cycle of abuse that our ancestors endured.
Lastly, when examining the data, it is evident that South Asian countries possess the lowest divorce rates globally. Although this is often seen as a cultural achievement, it comes at the expense of women who suffer from abusive relationships and lack the means to escape from a toxic marriage.
